My First Annual Festivus Message

This time of year I celebrate all of the holidays that I am eligible for, after all it is the holiday season. I can’t celebrate Kwanzza because I am not black enough and I have to skip Chanukah because I am not Jewish and I don’t own a menorah. That pretty much leaves Christmas and Festivus. Family and friends dictate a great deal of what I do for Christmas, but I am pretty much on my own when it comes to Festivus.

No aluminum pole this year and feats of strength are out of the question since two little dogs and one little cat are no match for a 190 LB man. That leaves the airing of grievances. As any of you who have read my blog before know, I excel at the airing of grievances.

My first grievance is with the city of Pelham. What is the deal with all the socialist projects? Alabaster is building malls and stores that will bring in tax money. Pelham is building Senior Citizens centers and Police and Court buildings that will cost tax money to run. I recently bought a new (to me anyway) vehicle and when I went to the license office, I found out that the Pelham city tax was almost as much as the State of Alabama tax and many times more than the Shelby county tax. I thought that North Shelby County was supposed to be the great bastion of Conservative Republicanism, not rampant socialism. Maybe we should change the name from Pelham to Stockholm.

My next grievance is with the person or persons that stole my 1972 Chevrolet Pickup Truck. Even though I have it back, y'all cost me a lot of time and money not to mention a world of aggravation. If you had put as much work into something productive as you did into stealing that truck, the world would be a better place.

Third comes the 109th Congress of the USA. You all lived down to my expectation. I am especially piqued with my own congressman Spencer Bachus. Congressman Bachus, did George Bush ever have an idea that you did not like? Also, you need to hire some new staffers. I wrote you a letter opposing the Real ID act. Now I know that you don’t read any of my letters, some staffer does, but they sent me back a form letter saying that you share my concerns about illegal immigration and that is why you supported the Real ID act. My original letter had nothing to do with illegal immigration and was vehemently opposed to the Real ID act. Your office would have done better to ignore me, which they often do, rather than sending me a letter that flew in the face of what I had said.

My last grievance is with our president, George W Bush. Mr. president, you are my age. You lived through the Vietnam era just like I did. Neither one of us served in Vietnam. I had a college deferment. You had the National Guard. We both supported the Vietnam War. We were both wrong. Back then they said if we pulled out of Vietnam, the free world would fall. Contrary to that, when we did cut and run, things got better. Some folks call the current Iraq war, Iraq 2, with your daddy’s Iraq war being Iraq 1. For my part, I think it should be called Vietnam 2. The biggest difference I can see between Iraq now and Vietnam then is that Richard Nixon was smart enough to know when to get out and you and your advisors haven’t figured it out yet. I suggest you get a copy of Kenny Rogers’ song the Gambler and listen close to the part where he says “know when to walk away.”

So there you have it, my first annual Festivus Message. Who knows? If the Good Lord is willing and I am still around next year at this time I may even get an aluminum pole. Happy Festivus!